Summer on a Saturday night. I stand in my garden where all to me is a beautiful indeterminate, soft, green fuzz. In the neighbours’ gardens children sing and play and adults bang hammers and light fires; the smell of burnt sausages and tizz- crack of cans all around.
I should be watching the film on the DVD. It is on and playing but I can’t be still. Much as I love being alone NO ONE is that happy about being alone on a beautiful Saturday evening with the pollen count way up high.
‘You are not lonely’, says my body. ‘You have tummy ache. ‘
‘Ahh’, I say
‘No really,’ says my body. ‘Think about it.’
Me: So I’m happy then…?
Face does a face shrug and winks again. It is slurring its winks. That is wine from the bottle for you.
Me: (infuriated) Why can’t I just admit to being lonely?
Body: God woman. You are in your late thirties..disabled, childless..broke. You will sound weak and desperate.
Me: …..and ..your point..
Body: Just thank .. just ..blessings…err… think of everything you have..how lucky you are…
Me: I am lucky. I know. I love my messed up crazy life. That is exactly why I want to sh…
Body: Well there you go.
Me: As I was saying, very lucky but I would like to shar..
Me: What word?
Body Don’t say ‘share’..
Me: Why not??
Body: Hell, I warned you. Right. Sit her down butt. I hate to do this but you leave me little choice…Oy brain…cue her in.
Cue: memory b roll film excerpts of almost every couple I’ve ever known leaving, cheating, fighting, weeping.
Me: (slowly) yeah ..but at least they got some action…
Body: (hissing) It’s bloody stomach ache…. (aside) they don’t pay me enough)