7 things to do before parents arrive

My dad won’t arrive here. My Dad will be in Lusaka probably seeing sick people over Xmas. (He is a doctor..not a weirdo..) I know he will put on a grotty, extremely old Santa suit and after arriving at the clinic children’s Xmas party in a wailing ambulance and handing out presents to wide eyed, perfectly behaved and well dressed kids, he will jump into his car and shoot out of town to go and ‘Ho Ho Ho!’ at the patients at the Mother of Mercy HIV/AIDS hospice. He will take sweets. Mostly marshmallows as they are easier to swallow for people in terminal stages of illness. Some people will know he is dressed up as Santa..others will just think ‘the good doctor has gone penga (insane)’ and shrug and smile. Because the Santa suit is boiling and it will be 80% in the shade, he will drink a cold beer at lunchtime through his sweaty cotton wool beard before heading to friends for massive Xmas feast.

My Mum won’t arrive here but I will hook up with her in Spain. My Mum intends to be in Tarragona after travelling for eight months in a motor home called ‘Laika ‘with Silent John her partner. They have done 26 countries. They are a bit knackered. They will pick me up from Reus Barcelona and we’ll go to a small holiday bungalow to eat, drink and contemplate life. None of us have been before and I hope it will be fascinating and beautiful and bonkers. I cannot wait!

7 things I’m doing instead of prepping for Xmas

· This blog
· Eating stuff
· Worrying about my eyesight
· Watching TV whilst pretending to work at the computer
· Prevaricating
· Worrying about money
· Wondering if I should finally learn the words to more then one carol..

7 Things I can’t do this Xmas

· Hang with Teelo in a dodgy bar until dawn
· Dress my cats up in tinsel (as presently catless.)
· Sunbath topless
· Give Crisis the homeless shelter, their usual donation
· Buy lots of pressies
· Watch Xmas TV
· Be lonely

7 Xmas wishes

· That all guns stop working and all machetes and other sharp implements go soft when used inappropriately.
· A ban on Christmas music in public places with specific regard to Slade and Shakin’ Stevens.
· A massive book deal for me and all the other writers out there in my blogger world.
· Amrita http://tinkutales.blogspot.com/ gets a huge cash prize as most exciting art entrepreneur of Toronto
· Barack is as good as he looks.
· Free access to clean water for everyone
· A resurgence of orang-utans

7 things I say as Xmas approaches

· Damn..that looks like Christmas approaching
· Get out of my way you sodding Xmas shoppers, you ..please…ow..ow..etc
· Don’t get me anything. I don’t need anything…
· OK, cash would be fine if its easy.
· If I hear Slade one more time I’ll be very, very sick.
· What you doing for New Year?
· Oh, don’t worry. My family always do that…

7 celebs for Xmas dinner
· Russell T Davis – genius screenwriter behind ‘Queer as Folk’ and ‘Dr Who’.
· Richard Armitidge – I thought the actor David Tenant was as sexy as it got. Richard Armitidge playing ‘Lucus’ in the TV show ‘Spooks’ makes David look like Widow Twanky. No idea what he’s like…don’t really care. Will just get him to serve the food naked.
· Shami Chakrabarti – my age and already a CBE, Shami is the voice of Liberty the human rights organisation. She always reminds me of my older sister, brilliant, ferocious and quite small.
· Satish Kumar – I met him in Devon when I was a student and he was so beautiful, gentle and wise. He is the editor of Resurgence Magazine http://www.resurgence.org/ and a spokesperson for all things ecological and sustainable.
· Missy Elliot- one of the most talented producers and musicians of the last 20 years, Missy is inspirational. She unfortunately recently made a song with the Pussycat Dolls but she made them look ridiculous so I forgive her.
· Damon Albern- the front man of Blur and Gorrilaz has been the instigator and co-creator behind the musical opera ‘Monkey’. He seems to have genuine interest n things outside of his own fame and fortune. Unheard of!
· As Armitidge will be serving food (I said NAKED man..get that off..) I thought I’d slip in an extra guest.. Graeme Green- the bespectacled one of The Goodies. His acerbic wit has been cutting the edge of a remarkable amount of comedy ever since. I could have gone with a younger comedian but almost all of them have nicked material from Graeme anyway…