Its summer and I know this not just because there is actually sunlight! Not only because everyone is out in vest tops even though there was a frost this morning. Not only because someone actually nodded a greeting at me but essentially because my neighbour opposite has begun to ‘share’ his music. He does this each summer placing his speakers carefully in his windows and pushing the dial up to G20 riot police mode. Luckily his taste is not as bad as the Status Quo fundi down the road or the ghas
Annoyingly it is still loud enough to overpower my TV even with all the windows and doors shut. There will be reaction. There is every year. Most of my neighbours have small children and after 9pm a lone voice will begin screaming at the neighbour’s open window. Sooner or later there will be screaming back and then potentially – should he not turn the volume down- the low explosion of an air rifle fitted with a nappy silencer.
I’m keeping a low profile today as I also upset my neighbours this morning by stomping in a showy kind of way around the block several times holding onto a man who in turn was wearing a dog harness. A nice thick leather harness with a sold lead and chunky silver studs…..and a long yellow handle. Fetishism and all before lunch time…

‘Wait.’ I say firmly holding the yellow handle and therefore the nice Guide Dog man. The man waits by the kerb. A passing granny falls off her zimmer frame. I take a step back, raise my arm, gesture . ‘Forward!’ I command, my voice ringing out above the ice cream van and the open mouthed children. I tug the harness and the nice man crosses the road. ‘Good boy.’ I say. He is well over 6 foot tall or I would pat his head.
‘Straight on,’ I call and on we go, a trail of curious teenage
You think I am kidding.
I am not.
At least he didn’t need to pee…………….
Comments 10
Oooh, a Guide Man?! I didn’t know they had those–and now I want one.
This post is a riot; great fun, imagining the neighbours. I hope you get the loveliest dog there is.
“at least he didn’t need to pee”
Thank heaven’s for small mercies.
aww, too bad the guide man isn’t permanent!
this is the second time i have made the mistake of reading your blog in a public place, on my phone. Last time, the one about the kid and the snotty hands made sudden tears jump into my eyes in the bank. Now the tears are from suppressing shrieks of laughter. So funny, t. Did you at least get a couple of friendly licks on the face?
Oh my! This really is rather surreal! I hope he didn’t try and hump your leg? That really woulda got the neighbours all a twitter
First of all, I hate your neighbour for sharing his music…
Secondly, I am still not sure if you are pulling our legs with the guideman story, but either way it is funny as hell…
x
I just laughed so explosively I spat at the screen. Now, where’s the box of tissues?
PS I want one too.
award for you at mine 🙂
this one takes the biscuit! or does he? thanks for the laughter! 🙂